Thank you brain lesion.

I don't normally make New Year's resolutions but I do find myself being extra reflective on Jan. 1.  And if ever there was a year in which I gain some wisdom, 2013 should be it.

Shortly after Ben went back to work in April he brought home this painting one of his students did. 

Painting by Crystal Mountain, 2013

Here is what she said: "This painting, to me, had two meanings.  The first was the actual disease and illness families face.  The painting can also be seen as a flower representing the beauty of your wife, the hope through this difficult situation, and the love that you two have for each other."  Rather poignant for a teenager no?

Her words, and her painting, really struck me, and they've been something I've come back to time and again these last 9 months.  Because yes brain lesion you were annoying and scary and unwelcome, but there was beauty in this whole experience too. A wise friend posted this last night on Facebook and I couldn't think of a better way to say it so I'll just steal it: "In 2014, I'm going to see the bright side of every situation not because I'm a Pollyanna but because there is a bright side to every situation. Life is like that. We get choices. We may not like our choices but they are there. I choose the bright side."  Thank you Rosemary Hook, I can't think of a better way to start 2014.

So in the spirit of the bright side, here are the lessons learned and the beautiful things dear ol' brain lesion brought me.

• When people get sick you hear horror stories.  Of heartless insurance company decisions, insensitive doctors, overworked nurses, etc etc.  I have no horror stories.  Instead I had the opportunity to be cared for by very bright, compassionate, PATIENT professionals.  They took the time to talk to us and answer our questions and indulge a biologist who knows just enough to be dangerous.  =)  I have doctors who give me their home phone number and work to get my case discussed by the smartest minds in Austin.  My insurance company didn't reject hospital stays or the multiple MRIs.  The radiology techs at Austin Radiological Association ask me how I'm doing and do a little dance when I tell them its shrinking.  
• I got to see pictures of my brain!  (it IS beautiful, and more so when the thing is gone!) And a sonogram of my heart!  And my cerebrospinal fluid!
• I LOVE my job. Being stuck at home made me appreciate how much I love what I do and the people I work with.  I hated to leave my students at the end of last semester and to not see my FlyLab kids walk across the stage at graduation last May.   I was so happy to be back at work in August and was humbled that my colleagues chose me to be department chair - brain lesion and all!  And when so many of you checked in to see how my first day back at school went, and when the students I'd abandoned in April came to tell me they were glad I was back...what an affirmation that I was where I was supposed to be.  
• I heard from so many of you - your hellos by email, Facebook, text, phone, cards and letters were wonderful!  Your prayers and well wishes mattered.  Knowing my team of shrink warriors was not only rooting for me but recruiting more shrink warriors in your churches, schools, offices, and communities was epic. You remind ME that it is important to keep in touch and tell the people you love how much they mean to you.
• It's OK to let go and not be in control all the time.  To live in the moment. Yes this was the hardest pill to swallow, but probably the most beautiful gift.  Because while I will always be a control freak and will ALWAYS see the beauty in a plan, a list, and enjoy the anticipation of a well planned visit/trip/event - always needing to be in control sort of takes you out of the present, and in the present is where those beautiful moments happen.  Things like this:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  and this:
  
  
  and this:
  
  
  
  
  

• I have the best family and friends, coworkers, neighbors and acquaintances!  Everyone took such good care of us, stepping in to take over at St. Ed's and St. Mike's, bringing us food, driving me places, and just coming by to hang out and be sure I was still breathing during those long naps in the early days.  My parents were ready to come at the drop of a hat and were thoughtful enough to wait until we said "Yes, the hat is dropping now, please come;we could use a hug and some help". 
• And I know it is totally cliche to say you married your best friend for better or worse, but give this man a medal.  He has cleaned up more spilled glasses of water (and tubs of soup) than anyone should have to for a 39 year old woman.  He knows me well enough to know when to tell me NO and when I need the space to be a bit stubborn and perhaps push a bit more than I should.  He went from getting up in the middle of the night to walk me to the bathroom to letting me DRIVE A CAR.  BY MYSELF.  He knew when "when you get a chance could you...." really  meant "I need you to do this RIGHT NOW or I will obsess about it until I do it myself and mess it up and then you will have to fix it."  He made me laugh when I needed it and let me wallow when I needed that too.  And brain lesion, you gave us time - time to be together and just talk, have a cup of coffee, work on team sports like laundry, cleaning and cooking.  I think we spent more intense time together this last 9 months than we had the past 9 years and we remembered why we picked each other in the first place. 
  

So although I was glad to see you had shrunk to indiscernable levels on the MRI and I will not wish for your return in 2014 or beyond, thank you brain lesion for the beautiful you also brought.

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I don't know, this might be the last post.  It may be time to close this chapter and choose a new one for 2014.  Thank you for walking with us, for praying, for listening, for reading to the end.  We will continue to monitor the vascular malformation, I will get periodic MRIs and will still need to keep working on getting the balance back and left side better coordinated. But I hope the reports will continue to be 'normal and boring' - I've still got 2013's lessons to ponder.  =)